1
00:00:08,360 --> 00:00:10,080
HUBBUB

2
00:00:10,120 --> 00:00:12,720
THEY BREATHE HEAVILY AND GROAN

3
00:00:13,840 --> 00:00:16,280
Say something dirty to me.
Like what?

4
00:00:16,320 --> 00:00:17,800
Anything. Anything!

5
00:00:19,080 --> 00:00:22,840
I can't think. It's OK. Tell me what
to say and I'll say it.

6
00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:25,160
OK. I don't know, er...

7
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:27,610
Say you want to milk me and get
my cream in, yeah?

8
00:00:29,520 --> 00:00:31,640
I'm not saying that.

9
00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:34,320
PHONE RINGS
Oh. Shit, shit.

10
00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:38,600
Oh, shit. I have to take this.
What?!

11
00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:42,280
Oh, yeah. Hi.

12
00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:45,280
Er, out for lunch with a contact.

13
00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:46,480
Yeah.

14
00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:48,640
HAND DRYER STARTS
Shit. Fuck off.

15
00:00:48,680 --> 00:00:51,400
No. Not you, obviously.

16
00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:54,000
Nothing. Sorry.
Shut up.

17
00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:55,800
It's no one.

18
00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:57,520
Honestly...

19
00:00:58,680 --> 00:01:00,520
..it's no one.

20
00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:03,040
Jeez, I don't know. Didn't we say
not bevelled?

21
00:01:04,880 --> 00:01:06,600
Well, then get bevelled, baby.

22
00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:09,320
Yeah, whatever you want. Yeah.

23
00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:12,280
OK, yeah. You, too.

24
00:01:12,320 --> 00:01:13,880
Bye-bye.

25
00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:18,560
Sorry about that.
We have to stop this.

26
00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:23,160
We absolutely have to stop this.

27
00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:25,360
You're right.

28
00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:26,880
THEY GROAN

29
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:28,440
Okey dokey.

30
00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:33,160
So, first we're going to
insert this.

31
00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:37,480
Then, I'll thread the catheter into
your uterus

32
00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:40,600
and we'll slowly insert the sperm

33
00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:42,600
and then we'll just cross our
fingers

34
00:01:42,601 --> 00:01:44,639
that you'll be blessed with
a beautiful baby.

35
00:01:44,640 --> 00:01:46,959
Just don't cross your fingers while
you're up there, OK.

36
00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:51,560
HE LAUGHS Now, then. This
may be a little bit uncomfortable,

37
00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:55,320
but, we do have to get
you wide enough.

38
00:01:57,280 --> 00:01:59,120
TABLE WHIRRS

39
00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:01,040
Going up.

40
00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:03,000
Okey dokey.

41
00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:06,200
I think that's my floor.

42
00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:08,480
OK. Just relax.

43
00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:11,680
Now, here we go.

44
00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:15,760
OK.
Ow. Oops.

45
00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:17,400
Ow.
Oopsie daisy.

46
00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:20,560
Ow.
All right, nearly there.

47
00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:22,120
And bingo.

48
00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:25,680
All right.

49
00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:27,720
Can you give me a minute?
Hm?

50
00:02:34,920 --> 00:02:37,120
SHE LAUGHS

51
00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:38,960
What the fuck I doing?!

52
00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:43,360
Can you take it out?
Out?

53
00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:45,280
Yeah.
SHE SIGHS

54
00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:48,160
It's not you, it's me.

55
00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:51,400
You are the first man I have met
in...in a long while

56
00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:55,000
who I would actually want to put
a baby in me.

57
00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:57,520
So, if I change my mind, I know
where you are!

58
00:02:57,560 --> 00:02:59,360
I guess this must happen a lot.

59
00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:06,200
Thanks.
Thank you.

60
00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:10,840
Shit. Sorry.

61
00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:12,240
No wonder you dumped me.

62
00:03:12,241 --> 00:03:14,359
Seriously, I'm not going to go on
about it, though.

63
00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:16,200
You're grand, Martin.

64
00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:20,520
I think I made a mistake.
Do you want to swap?

65
00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:22,640
Oh, I don't mean...

66
00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:25,480
I mean us. I think we should get
back together again.

67
00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:27,880
HE SPLUTTERS AND COUGHS

68
00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:35,080
Alison, are you messing?

69
00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:38,640
Because that's really lousy if
you're taking a laugh of me.

70
00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:41,200
But, seriously... Are you serious?!

71
00:03:41,240 --> 00:03:42,600
Yeah.

72
00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:45,280
You, me...

73
00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:47,240
back together,

74
00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:49,360
make a baby...

75
00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:52,520
But, obviously, be happy this time.

76
00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:54,320
I was happy the first time.

77
00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:58,200
I never stopped loving you.

78
00:03:58,240 --> 00:04:00,240
You know that, don't you?

79
00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:05,120
Actually, would you mind
if we swapped?

80
00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:18,520
All right?

81
00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:21,320
TOILET DOOR LOCKS

82
00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:22,880
BABY GURGLES

83
00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:37,400
Patrick! What a lovely surprise.

84
00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:41,160
How are you? More importantly, how's
my gorgeous little nephew?

85
00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:43,550
Come here and give your auntie Laura
a big kiss.

86
00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:46,410
What are you doing in a dump like
this?

87
00:04:46,440 --> 00:04:48,720
Having lunch with Jen and her folks.

88
00:04:48,760 --> 00:04:50,680
Oh, right. Yeah, lovely.

89
00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:53,840
Oh, lovely. Hey, Jen.

90
00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:56,840
Hey, Jen's parents. Hi.

91
00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:59,640
Are you ready for the big
christening, I can't wait.

92
00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:03,280
What's going on, Laura? Hm? Nothing.
What do you mean? The guy?

93
00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:06,520
He's just a friend. He was just
helping me find an earing.

94
00:05:06,521 --> 00:05:08,679
I lost an earing and he said he'd
help me look for it.

95
00:05:08,680 --> 00:05:11,440
He's got one of those dinky
little torches

96
00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:13,040
on the end of is earing. Keyring.

97
00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:15,600
We found it, though. It was under
the sanitary bin.

98
00:05:15,640 --> 00:05:19,280
Really handy. The little torches,
I mean. Not sanitary bins.

99
00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:21,920
I can't wait for the big day!
Oh, Lord.

100
00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:25,120
It's an honour to be his godmother,
Patrick. Thank you.

101
00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:27,880
It's the most important day
of my life.

102
00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:31,270
I'm really sorry, I have to take
this.

103
00:05:31,280 --> 00:05:34,530
I'll see you on Saturday, though.
Cos, you know, it'll be amazing.

104
00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:40,039
The latest advertising figures
are disappointing.

105
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:42,880
So, no taxis, no lunches
on expenses,

106
00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:45,600
unless they're OK'd by me
in advance.

107
00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:47,200
Sorry I'm late.

108
00:05:47,201 --> 00:05:49,439
It's either that or we'll all be
looking for new jobs

109
00:05:49,440 --> 00:05:51,120
and they won't be in newspapers.

110
00:05:51,121 --> 00:05:52,839
Now, there's a few more
announcements,

111
00:05:52,840 --> 00:05:55,000
but more on them tomorrow.

112
00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:56,920
Kieran, over to you.

113
00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:59,880
OK, what are we all working on?

114
00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:01,800
Laura?

115
00:06:01,840 --> 00:06:03,480
What have you got?

116
00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:09,480
Erm, I've quite a lot, actually.
Mm-hm?

117
00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:13,080
Yeah, I've got a few ideas...here.

118
00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:16,200
So, Is Anxiety The New Depression?

119
00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:17,680
Apparently, it is.

120
00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:21,720
Erm, A Portrait Of Unfaithful
Ireland.

121
00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:25,160
There's some new research on it
and it's worse than ever.

122
00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:30,640
Decision Fatigue: Faced With So Much
Choice How Do We...?

123
00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:32,640
I could just do all of them.

124
00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:38,760
Did you see that look from Claire?
No. She definitely gave me a look.

125
00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:41,840
You know I've been covering Sonia's
column since she left.

126
00:06:41,841 --> 00:06:43,599
In fact, did you not read last
week's,

127
00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:46,359
When Nice Parenting Does More Harm
Than Good? Of course not.

128
00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:49,359
You know I only look at my pictures
to see how badly they've cropped them.

129
00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:53,000
Well, you're missing out. It was
fifth most read and commented on.

130
00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:55,640
It's usually sport and politics
in the top ten.

131
00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:58,440
Unless there's a freak incident
like a royal baby.

132
00:06:58,441 --> 00:07:01,159
I know you're trying to tell me
something, I've no idea what it is.

133
00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:04,080
I think maybe they're going to make
me permanent.

134
00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:06,720
You know it's going down so well.
The readers love it.

135
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:09,710
That's excellent, I thought I was
getting made redundant.

136
00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:19,920
Laura!
Yo!

137
00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:21,280
Mm!

138
00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:25,440
Wait till you taste my hot and sour
prawn soup. It's my best yet.

139
00:07:25,441 --> 00:07:27,279
Can't wait. What time is the
match on?

140
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:31,720
TOGETHER: Eyes, nose, cheeky, cheeky
chin. Oh, God.

141
00:07:31,760 --> 00:07:33,360
It's auntie Laura.

142
00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:38,320
Auntie Laura, watch this. Ready
everyone. One, two, one, two, three.

143
00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:42,320
TOGETHER: Eyes, nose, cheeky,
cheeky chin.

144
00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:46,000
Cheeky, cheeky chin, nose, eyes.
Again.

145
00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:52,120
Eyes, nose, cheeky, cheeky chin.
Cheeky, cheeky chin, nose, eyes.

146
00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:56,040
Again. Mam, do you have any of
that fizzy co-codamol?

147
00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:58,160
In the cupboard.
Stressful day, Laura?

148
00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:03,120
Yeah, I have a stressful job,
Patrick. If that's what you mean?

149
00:08:03,121 --> 00:08:05,199
I didn't know Patrick was going
to be here.

150
00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:09,600
He's always here, with Jen doing
crazy hours and stuff. Yum.

151
00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:12,840
Can I get some in a flask?
I have to go.

152
00:08:12,841 --> 00:08:15,439
You just got here. What's more
important than all this?

153
00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:18,920
Well, actually, I might be getting
my own column at work.

154
00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:21,790
Your own column? MUM: Laura,
King Joe knows his colours.

155
00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:23,520
Come here, watch this.

156
00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:27,480
He's the cleverest boy in the whole
world, King Joseph.

157
00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:30,720
Yeah, looks like I'm getting
my own column.

158
00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:34,880
I did one last week on the dangers
of overpraising children.

159
00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:39,280
Did nobody read it? Oh, yeah.
I did read that. I didn't like it.

160
00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:42,040
You can't overpraise children.

161
00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:45,720
SINGING: Auntie Laura is getting her
own column.

162
00:08:45,760 --> 00:08:49,000
Auntie Laura's a very clever girl.

163
00:08:49,001 --> 00:08:51,039
You're up to your neck in it
already, Laura.

164
00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:52,720
How are you going to find time?

165
00:08:52,721 --> 00:08:54,959
Yeah, so it means I'll be able to
write about issues

166
00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:56,920
I feel really strongly about.

167
00:08:56,960 --> 00:09:00,080
Women's issues, inequality,

168
00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:05,720
injustice, poverty, human rights,
that kind of stuff.

169
00:09:05,721 --> 00:09:08,359
Maybe you could write something
about the christening.

170
00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:10,200
BABY CHATTERS

171
00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:14,120
Alison has something to tell us.

172
00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:16,960
I'm having a baby!

173
00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:20,440
What? A human baby?

174
00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:23,240
I thought you'd given up on
relationships?

175
00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:26,920
I think you mean, er, we mean
congratulations!

176
00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:30,080
Thanks. I mean, I'm not pregnant.

177
00:09:30,120 --> 00:09:32,040
Well, not this cycle, anyway.

178
00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:34,720
But, yeah, we're officially trying.

179
00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:38,920
We? Me and Martin. We're getting
back toge... are back together.

180
00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:41,320
So, thanks. Thanks so much.

181
00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:45,640
Alison, I know you've had some
really traumatic dates.

182
00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:47,160
The stuffed animal guy...

183
00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:49,970
And the dick pics guy.
No, I quite liked the dick pics guy.

184
00:09:49,971 --> 00:09:52,079
..and all those lads we're not
allowed to mention,

185
00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:54,279
but Alison, that's no reason to get
back with Martin.

186
00:09:54,280 --> 00:09:56,390
It's every reason to get back with
Martin.

187
00:09:56,391 --> 00:09:58,679
I never want to go on another first
date as long as I live.

188
00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:00,600
But you didn't love Martin.

189
00:10:00,601 --> 00:10:02,919
You used to fantasise about him
being in an avalanche.

190
00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:05,680
You used to encourage him to go
climbing on his own,

191
00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:09,240
without his phone. You told him
ropes were for wimps, remember?

192
00:10:09,280 --> 00:10:11,720
Yeah! Hah! I forgot about that!

193
00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:15,680
But I was young and idealistic. I've
realised it's perfectly normal

194
00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:19,520
to hate your partner and to wish
they were dead, most of the time.

195
00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:24,240
But after seeing what else is out
there, Martin's not that bad.

196
00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:26,360
Plus, I really, really want kids.

197
00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:30,160
You can get a kid online. Or, wait a
minute, I'll sell you a baby.

198
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:33,200
Half Danish, interested?

199
00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:36,120
I didn't go through with it.
That was today?

200
00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:38,040
Oh, come on. Why didn't you tell us.

201
00:10:38,041 --> 00:10:40,159
I could have come with you
and held your hand.

202
00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:42,030
That's exactly why I didn't tell
you.

203
00:10:42,031 --> 00:10:44,079
Well, now that you're not doing it,
can I just say

204
00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:46,000
that I thought it was a terrible
idea.

205
00:10:46,001 --> 00:10:49,319
But, luckily, as I was about to get
an injection of Danish genius,

206
00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:52,480
I realised that the best way for me
to be a mum to Ella

207
00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:55,440
was to not be a mum again. Mm.

208
00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:59,680
Plus, a puppy's cheaper. So the
sperm is yours, if you want it.

209
00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:01,640
On me. Early Christmas present.

210
00:11:01,680 --> 00:11:04,520
Thanks, but no way.
I want to do it properly.

211
00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:06,360
So get yourself a proper husband,

212
00:11:06,361 --> 00:11:08,279
not someone you can't stand having
sex with.

213
00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:09,840
That is a proper husband.

214
00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:13,320
And... You ever seen one of these
little beauties?

215
00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:16,160
No, what is it?
It's a fertility monitor.

216
00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:20,800
Charts my cycle, identifies my peak
day, quick shag - ta-dah!

217
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:24,240
Baby on board. Wow, you should
write a Mills and Boon.

218
00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:27,920
It's reality, Laura. We all have
to settle for it sooner or later.

219
00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:38,840
Oh, hey. Hey.
Ella, your mum's here.

220
00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:43,360
So, listen, are you OK to keep
weekdays next week,

221
00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:46,640
but swap weekends?
Why, what's happening?

222
00:11:46,680 --> 00:11:48,480
Yoga retreat.

223
00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:50,640
Sounds fun(!)

224
00:11:50,680 --> 00:11:54,040
Hi. Wow, is that a new jacket?
Yeah, Siobhan got it for me.

225
00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:56,880
It's very girly.
She is a girl.

226
00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:59,800
Yeah, but she looks giftwrapped.

227
00:11:59,801 --> 00:12:01,879
Ella hates those bows. Don't you,
sweetheart?

228
00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:03,360
I think it's cool.

229
00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:06,400
Did Siobhan get you one, Rory?
You'd suit it.

230
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:09,760
Goodbye, Katie.

231
00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:19,680
I've got something to tell you.
Uh-huh?

232
00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:21,800
That's enough honey.

233
00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:26,080
Remember we talked about a brother
or a sister?

234
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:27,840
Are you having a baby?

235
00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:30,920
I almost did.
Have you got a boyfriend?

236
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:34,680
Honey, I want you to know there's
more to life than boys and babies.

237
00:12:34,681 --> 00:12:37,119
There is an amazing world out there
with your name on it,

238
00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:40,120
just waiting for you
and me to explore.

239
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,000
It's OK, Mum. I'm getting a sister.

240
00:12:42,001 --> 00:12:44,839
No, honey. I just said, it's not
happening. I'm sorry. No, it is.

241
00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:47,280
Siobhan is in her second trimester.

242
00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:53,040
LAUGHING: Wow!

243
00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:54,720
Yeah, that's great.

244
00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:05,200
Do you want a cup of tea?
I should get home.

245
00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:10,880
We absolutely have to stop this.

246
00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:13,440
I know.
No. No, I really mean it.

247
00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:14,720
So do I.

248
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:17,920
What happened on Sunday? You said
you'd give me a ring.

249
00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:21,400
Yeah, sorry. I just couldn't
get a moment.

250
00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:23,240
How come?

251
00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:25,040
Just...

252
00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:29,200
you know... No. Tell me. Go on, spit
it out, I need to hear it.

253
00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:31,200
Shopping.

254
00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:33,680
All day?
Yeah, all day.

255
00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:36,920
Top Tiles, The Tiles Emporium,
Tiles, Tiles, Tiles

256
00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:39,480
and lastly, The Tiles Experience.

257
00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:41,200
Yeah, what for?

258
00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:42,840
A new carpet.

259
00:13:42,880 --> 00:13:44,840
SHE SIGHS

260
00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:48,160
I meant, like, kitchen, garden,
roof?

261
00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:50,600
Bathroom. We're, er...

262
00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:52,040
getting a new bathroom.

263
00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:57,200
I want a new bathroom. I want to go
shopping for new bathroom tiles

264
00:13:57,240 --> 00:14:00,880
with someone, at some point in my
life, maybe.

265
00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:02,480
No, you don't.

266
00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:05,000
Trust me.

267
00:14:05,001 --> 00:14:07,119
You're not a shopping for tiles
kind of girl.

268
00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:09,000
That's what I love about you.
No, stop.

269
00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:12,400
Do you want know what I did
on Sunday?

270
00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:15,280
Waited, all day.

271
00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:19,680
It's bad enough at fecking 15.
At this age?

272
00:14:19,720 --> 00:14:21,840
OK, why don't we hit pause?

273
00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:26,640
What, now?
Yeah.

274
00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:29,000
Get back to purely professional.

275
00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:31,000
SHE SCOFFS

276
00:14:31,040 --> 00:14:34,280
Stop. We're hitting stop.
Not pause.

277
00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:36,360
And I'm the one hitting it. Not you.

278
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:37,720
OK.

279
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:40,320
Yeah.

280
00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:53,200
Is that Nicole Kidman?

281
00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:55,680
How would that be Nicole Kidman?

282
00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:57,040
She looks nothing like her.

283
00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:00,200
I think it does.

284
00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:04,640
So, how long has she had an army?
Oh, God. Two seasons.

285
00:15:04,641 --> 00:15:07,439
For fuck's sake, Martin. You said
you'd been keeping up.

286
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:09,040
Well, kind of.

287
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:13,720
Since you've been away, I haven't
watch much telly.

288
00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:15,360
What did you do?

289
00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:20,880
I did, er...other the things.

290
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:24,200
With other people?

291
00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:25,760
Yeah, sometimes.

292
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:30,600
Was there a woman on the scene?
What?

293
00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:32,640
A woman? No, no. There was no woman.

294
00:15:32,641 --> 00:15:34,959
Good, because I'd hate to think
us getting back...

295
00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:38,840
I mean, there was women, but there
was no particular woman.

296
00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:40,600
Women?

297
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:42,560
As in...

298
00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:45,960
lots of women, or... Alison...
..just two women?

299
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:47,520
..you ended it.

300
00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:50,630
I wasn't going to lie around here
feeling shite about myself.

301
00:15:51,760 --> 00:15:54,520
Not after the first six months,
anyway.

302
00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:58,720
So, was there more than two women,
or...?

303
00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:00,720
On a good week, yeah.

304
00:16:05,431 --> 00:16:10,559
For now, we're not looking for any
more redundancies,

305
00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:14,640
that's the good news. But we're down
a few bodies after the last round

306
00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:18,320
and the freelance budget's cut, so
we're all going to have to muck in.

307
00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:21,440
Roisin, can you take on education?

308
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:25,240
Dermot, keep an eye on transport as
well as environment and health.

309
00:16:25,280 --> 00:16:27,280
Oh, and the Middle East.

310
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,800
Laura... Yes? We need you to take on
obituaries.

311
00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:34,720
Obit... Obituaries?

312
00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:37,640
Tributes to dead people.
Yeah, I know what the f...

313
00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:41,280
Erm, can't Dermot do them, as well?

314
00:16:41,320 --> 00:16:44,240
Erm... What about Sonia's column?

315
00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:46,520
We're looking at someone external.

316
00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:48,960
What? Who? What do you mean?

317
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:51,600
A big online personality.

318
00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:53,360
Oh, all right.

319
00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:56,880
So we're all doing four people's
jobs - well some of us are -

320
00:16:56,920 --> 00:17:00,240
and how much are you paying for this
big online personality?

321
00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:03,440
We want to try and attract a new,
younger audience, Laura.

322
00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:05,920
It's no reflection on you.

323
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:08,920
Right, can you talk me through
tomorrow's front page?

324
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:11,800
I told my mum and dad I'm getting
my own column.

325
00:17:11,840 --> 00:17:14,280
My mam's made up a song about it.

326
00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:17,480
At least they'll read your stuff
now. Old people love the obits.

327
00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:25,160
I can't believe I'm going to be
writing about dead people.

328
00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:28,600
Dead people can be very interesting.
And inspirational.

329
00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:30,880
Gandhi.
I hate Gandhi.

330
00:17:30,881 --> 00:17:33,319
What about Beyonce, then? She'll be
dead one day.

331
00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:35,800
Who'll write her obituary?
It's not me.

332
00:17:35,801 --> 00:17:38,599
Because if she dies before me,
I'm going to kill myself.

333
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:40,359
Anyway, I'm going to quit
journalism.

334
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:43,240
Go and do something worthwhile,
like join the UN

335
00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:46,720
or become a top human rights lawyer
like Amal Clooney.

336
00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:48,200
SHE LAUGHS

337
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:50,560
Sorry.

338
00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:53,760
You OK about everything?

339
00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:56,880
And by everything, I mean...

340
00:17:56,920 --> 00:17:58,160
Kieran.

341
00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:01,240
It's all over.

342
00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:04,000
OK.

343
00:18:05,520 --> 00:18:11,200
But if the antidepressants and the
Friends reruns are not enough,

344
00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:14,040
you could talk to someone.

345
00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:18,680
Really helped me with the divorce
and my mum issues.

346
00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:20,560
Is he cute?

347
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,120
See for yourself.

348
00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:26,040
Hey, Ella-pops. How was school?
Good.

349
00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:28,520
Miss Flanagan loved my Egyptian
headdress.

350
00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:32,400
Of course she did. We worked very
hard on it, didn't we? Yeah.

351
00:18:32,401 --> 00:18:33,999
So, congratulations are in order.

352
00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:36,760
Oh, Ella did most of the work.
I just supervised.

353
00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:38,600
I was referring to your other news.

354
00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:42,600
Oh, Ella told you about that,
did she?

355
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:44,720
Sorry. Well, thanks.

356
00:18:44,721 --> 00:18:47,839
It's a bit embarrassing finding out
through my daughter. Oh. Hey, Katie.

357
00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:50,039
I was just telling your wife how
embarrassing it was

358
00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:52,079
for me to find out your news
through Ella.

359
00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:55,320
Yeah, thanks. We're really excited.

360
00:18:55,360 --> 00:18:57,000
When were you going to tell me?

361
00:18:58,160 --> 00:18:59,880
Now.

362
00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:02,330
Didn't occur to you to let me
know a bit earlier?

363
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:05,040
OK. So, er...

364
00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:07,360
what's this really about?

365
00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:09,120
This is big news.

366
00:19:09,121 --> 00:19:11,799
Yeah. Yeah, it's big news.
So, we should have talked about it.

367
00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:14,399
But it's not going to change
anything between you, me and Ella.

368
00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:17,120
Look, we're all here now,

369
00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:19,360
why don't we talk about it
as a family?

370
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:21,160
Oh, Jesus!

371
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:26,880
Every time. Every time.
You're amazing.

372
00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:28,840
You're amazing.

373
00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:31,640
He swings around the banister,
right? Mm-hm.

374
00:19:31,641 --> 00:19:33,519
And then his mother is in
the bathroom,

375
00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:36,239
the bathroom door was closed and
his mother had started...

376
00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:38,199
Oh, was she in the bathroom?
Yeah, hang on.

377
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:41,400
And so the mother was standing
there... Hi, Martin.

378
00:19:41,440 --> 00:19:43,440
How are you?
Hi!

379
00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:47,280
I thought you moved abroad?

380
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:49,760
Yeah, I did, but I'm back now.

381
00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:52,080
You never came to visit...

382
00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:56,840
..but it's good to see you.
You're looking grand.

383
00:19:56,880 --> 00:19:58,600
Yeah, you, too.

384
00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:05,280
Who's that?

385
00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:07,360
That was Emer.

386
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:08,640
We went out for a bit.

387
00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:11,320
You and her?

388
00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:14,040
Was it a blind date thing?

389
00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:17,880
No. We matched online.

390
00:20:17,920 --> 00:20:21,480
We went out for a couple of months
and then she moved abroad.

391
00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:23,240
She asked me to go with her.

392
00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:27,080
Emer The Dreamer, we all called her.

393
00:20:27,120 --> 00:20:28,680
Emer The Dreamer.

394
00:20:30,680 --> 00:20:32,800
Did your friends have a name for me?

395
00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:36,840
No.

396
00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:42,840
LAUGHTER

397
00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:45,480
INDISTINCT

398
00:20:52,031 --> 00:20:57,759
Sorry, excuse me, do you mind if I
just sit there, please?

399
00:20:57,760 --> 00:21:01,640
Thank you, excuse me. Sorry.
Just budge up a bit, please.

400
00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:05,080
Just a bit more, thank you.

401
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:09,280
Can I get two large Sauvignons,
please?

402
00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:16,360
HE LAUGHS

403
00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:30,560
Excuse me. Excuse me, get out of
my way, quick.

404
00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:34,200
Kieran! What a coincidence!

405
00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:38,720
I was just... I was across the
street, caught up with some friends,

406
00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:41,400
having a great night out!
Hey, Laura.

407
00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:44,080
This is Samara Brennan,
the influencer.

408
00:21:44,120 --> 00:21:45,720
Nice to meet you.

409
00:21:45,760 --> 00:21:47,320
The influencer? What the f...?

410
00:21:47,321 --> 00:21:49,319
Oh, don't worry. I hadn't heard
of it either.

411
00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:52,479
I think it's because we're deadwood
media types over the age of 35!

412
00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:55,560
HE LAUGHS
I'm not over 35, I'm at 35.

413
00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:58,080
I'm exactly 35.

414
00:21:58,120 --> 00:22:00,400
Let's just report the facts here.

415
00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:02,520
Laura's one of our feature writers.

416
00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:04,120
Cool.
Mm.

417
00:22:04,160 --> 00:22:06,760
Hey, can I have a quick word?
Yeah.

418
00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:08,640
Yeah. Just...

419
00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:12,640
What's going on? Who the fuck
is she?

420
00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:14,880
And what the fuck's a fucking
influencer?

421
00:22:14,881 --> 00:22:16,919
She's got over 200,000 followers,
Laura, OK?

422
00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:19,690
That's way more readers than we
have. Yeah, good for her.

423
00:22:19,720 --> 00:22:22,600
What the fuck are you doing with
her? Getting to know her.

424
00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:24,760
Running through ideas.

425
00:22:27,120 --> 00:22:29,110
We're trying her out as a new
columnist.

426
00:22:30,520 --> 00:22:33,160
You're fucking joking me?

427
00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:36,390
It wasn't my idea, Laura. OK? But it
makes sense, business sense.

428
00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:37,680
I got to go.

429
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:40,720
No, please, don't.

430
00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:42,360
Er, two minutes. The taxi.

431
00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:46,280
Don't share a taxi with her.

432
00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:47,840
You could just...

433
00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:49,320
come back to mine.

434
00:22:49,360 --> 00:22:54,080
One last time. We chat through some
stuff and say goodbye properly?

435
00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:57,640
I thought you wanted to stop this?
I do, but I don't want you to...

436
00:22:57,680 --> 00:23:01,320
I'm dropping her off, for fuck's
sake. Yeah, what about your wife?

437
00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:05,560
Sorry. Sorry.

438
00:23:05,561 --> 00:23:07,679
You know, you should check out
Samara's stuff.

439
00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:10,000
It's good. It's really good,
actually.

440
00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:14,560
She talks about all sorts of taboo
subjects like vaginas,

441
00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:16,320
mental health issues.

442
00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:22,480
I'll talk about my vagina!

443
00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:25,760
And my mental health issues,
if that's what you want.

444
00:23:32,120 --> 00:23:34,240
SHE SIGHS
Fuck's sake.

445
00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:38,960
Hi, everybody. It's Samara here.

446
00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:41,160
Ooh, it's windy today.

447
00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:44,680
I have just been on a 5K run.

448
00:23:44,720 --> 00:23:46,280
First thing in the morning,

449
00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:49,400
it's very difficult for the body
to digest colour.

450
00:23:49,440 --> 00:23:54,200
Today, I want to talk to you
about my vagina.

451
00:23:54,240 --> 00:23:56,280
Would you fuck off.

452
00:23:56,281 --> 00:23:58,479
We're all so scared of talking about
our vagina

453
00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:01,640
and I don't know why, because all
ladies have one.

454
00:24:12,360 --> 00:24:14,160
Hello?

455
00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:17,240
Hello! I have a vagina, I do
have a vagina.

456
00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:19,570
I never thought about making a video
about it.

457
00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:23,720
MUSIC: Avant Gardener
by Courtney Barnett

458
00:24:29,320 --> 00:24:34,840
Hello, Dr Fitzgerald.
Erm, I hope you're well

459
00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:40,040
and my friend Katie, she said we
should hook up.

460
00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:41,800
SHE SNIGGERS

461
00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:43,720
Cheeky bitch.

462
00:24:43,760 --> 00:24:46,920
I'm not, like, nuts or anything,

463
00:24:46,960 --> 00:24:49,080
but, yeah, I am struggling a bit.

464
00:24:49,120 --> 00:24:52,040
You know, like relationships.

465
00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:56,560
And, like, just fecking everyone
worships

466
00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:58,600
at the pram of King Joseph.

467
00:24:58,640 --> 00:25:01,880
He is cute and he's amazing and...

468
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:07,000
SHE VOMITS

469
00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:11,720
PHONE RINGS

470
00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:28,640
Oh, shit.

471
00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:33,360
I baptise you in the name
of the Father, Son

472
00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:35,320
and Holy Spirit.

473
00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:41,520
Thanks.

474
00:25:46,880 --> 00:25:48,520
Oh!

475
00:25:48,560 --> 00:25:51,240
Oh, I am so sorry.

476
00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:53,040
Absolute nightmare traffic.

477
00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:55,370
The taxi driver did not his way
around Dublin.

478
00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:58,520
Sorry. Just carry on.

479
00:25:58,560 --> 00:26:00,800
You're too late, Laura.
We're done now.

480
00:26:00,801 --> 00:26:02,799
What do you mean too late?
I mean, too late.

481
00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:04,600
We finished the christening.

482
00:26:04,640 --> 00:26:07,080
But this is the most important day
of my life.

483
00:26:07,120 --> 00:26:09,160
Really?

484
00:26:09,161 --> 00:26:12,079
Wow. Hey, what if I renounced the
devil now, just very quickly,

485
00:26:12,080 --> 00:26:13,240
will that work?

486
00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:16,400
BABY GURGLES

487
00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:18,080
Patrick.

488
00:26:18,081 --> 00:26:20,159
Big smile. Look at Grandma.
Look at the camera.

489
00:26:20,160 --> 00:26:21,760
Patrick, come here.

490
00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:24,800
Please, please, give me another
chance.

491
00:26:24,840 --> 00:26:27,040
Have a second christening.
Next week.

492
00:26:27,080 --> 00:26:29,430
Or in a couple of weeks, if that
would be easier.

493
00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:33,440
Please, I need to be Joseph's
godmother. He needs me.

494
00:26:33,441 --> 00:26:35,319
Everyone's going to be like,
what happened?

495
00:26:35,320 --> 00:26:36,759
Why aren't you his godmother?

496
00:26:36,760 --> 00:26:39,839
They're going to think I'm really
bad with kids. Like Joan Collins.

497
00:26:39,840 --> 00:26:41,400
Crawford.
Please!

498
00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:44,240
I'm so stressed. I've got a
lot going on,

499
00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:46,400
they're trying to palm obituaries
on me

500
00:26:46,440 --> 00:26:49,000
and then they gave my column
to an influencer.

501
00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:50,680
An influencer!

502
00:26:50,720 --> 00:26:53,680
Then my laptop died.
Patrick, OK. OK.

503
00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:55,360
You want to know the truth?

504
00:26:55,400 --> 00:26:57,640
I slept in.
Do you want to know why?

505
00:26:57,680 --> 00:26:59,800
I'm writing a book for baby Joe.

506
00:26:59,840 --> 00:27:02,490
And not one of those stupid picture
books kids like,

507
00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:06,000
a real book about my journey.

508
00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:12,600
All right, squeeze, squeeze, smile.

509
00:27:16,160 --> 00:27:18,720
It's not even about that, is it?

510
00:27:18,760 --> 00:27:21,440
Well, how are you holding up?

511
00:27:21,480 --> 00:27:24,440
Between you and me, I think Patrick
made a big mistake.

512
00:27:24,441 --> 00:27:26,119
I think you'd be a great godmother.

513
00:27:26,120 --> 00:27:30,040
I'll have you know I've got people,
friends queueing up asking me to,

514
00:27:30,080 --> 00:27:34,520
you know, sponsor, mentor,
spiritually guide their children.

515
00:27:34,560 --> 00:27:36,550
I know what you mean,
Joseph's my fifth.

516
00:27:36,560 --> 00:27:40,160
Fifth? So, when's poor Joseph going
to get a look in from you?

517
00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:43,400
And what does someone have to do
to get five godchildren?

518
00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:45,760
Are you a kids TV presenter
or something?

519
00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:48,520
Not exactly, but can I get you
a drink?

520
00:27:48,560 --> 00:27:49,920
No, you're grand, thanks.

521
00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:51,440
BABY CRIES

522
00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:53,160
I think I can hear the baby,

523
00:27:53,200 --> 00:27:56,440
you should probably go do your
Godfather: Part Five thing.

524
00:27:56,480 --> 00:27:59,080
Well, nice to meet you, I'm James.

525
00:28:03,480 --> 00:28:06,920
Laura.
I know. What an eejit.

526
00:28:06,960 --> 00:28:08,520
No, I liked him.

527
00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:13,000
Peek-a-boo.

528
00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:15,600
Do think we'll ever be able to do
all of that?

529
00:28:15,640 --> 00:28:17,240
I can already do it.

530
00:28:17,280 --> 00:28:18,960
Peek-a-boo.

531
00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:22,560
I guess, I am.

532
00:28:22,600 --> 00:28:23,840
Shit.

533
00:28:23,880 --> 00:28:27,840
Don't worry, There are other ways to
live happily ever after.

534
00:28:27,880 --> 00:28:30,160
THEY COO OVER BABY

535
00:28:35,240 --> 00:28:37,240
Can I speak to Dr Fitzgerald,
please?

536
00:28:37,280 --> 00:28:39,120
This is Dr Fitzgerald speaking.

537
00:28:39,160 --> 00:28:42,440
Oh, I was expecting...

538
00:28:42,480 --> 00:28:43,980
Well, anyway, never mind that.

539
00:28:44,000 --> 00:28:46,080
My name's Laura.

540
00:28:46,120 --> 00:28:47,640
Laura Donegan?

541
00:28:47,680 --> 00:28:48,920
You've heard of me?

542
00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:52,040
Well, you left me five messages
at 4am this morning.

543
00:28:52,080 --> 00:28:54,840
Oh, wow. Sorry about that.

544
00:28:54,841 --> 00:28:56,999
That must count as just one
session, does it?

545
00:28:57,000 --> 00:28:59,600
I hope you're not going
to charge me.

546
00:28:59,640 --> 00:29:01,320
That was a joke, by the way.

547
00:29:01,360 --> 00:29:03,480
Yeah. No, I got that.

548
00:29:03,481 --> 00:29:06,319
It's just that you didn't laugh.
So, I can give you an appointment

549
00:29:06,320 --> 00:29:08,120
at eight, next Tuesday.

550
00:29:08,160 --> 00:29:09,960
What, like, this Tuesday?

551
00:29:10,000 --> 00:29:11,480
AM?
Mm-hm.

552
00:29:11,520 --> 00:29:14,440
Er...no, I don't think I can
make that.

553
00:29:14,480 --> 00:29:16,960
I've got loads on and work stuff

554
00:29:17,000 --> 00:29:19,080
and if you gave me more time
to prepare...

555
00:29:19,081 --> 00:29:20,959
I think you're very well prepared,
Laura.

556
00:29:20,960 --> 00:29:24,880
Thank you. OK, so I'll see
you Tuesday.

557
00:29:24,920 --> 00:29:26,800
Actually, let's just park it
for now.

558
00:29:35,400 --> 00:29:36,640
Oh, shit.

559
00:29:36,680 --> 00:29:40,200
Subtitles by Red Bee Media

560
00:29:40,240 --> 00:29:43,760

saturated analog

561
00:29:43,761 --> 00:29:45,199


562
00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:48,600

It's all a shifting dream

563
00:29:48,640 --> 00:29:51,000


564
00:29:51,040 --> 00:29:54,080

got here

565
00:29:54,120 --> 00:29:57,760

existential time crisis

566
00:29:57,800 --> 00:30:00,680

fix this mess

567
00:30:00,730 --> 00:30:05,280
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0